THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF TURKEY BOWLING

1. The playing surface must be the linoleum floor of a grocery store aisle, approximately 78 feet long and 41 inches wide. Both sides must bordered by shelves stocked with grocery items; a bowled turkey is allowed to make contact with the shelves and/or items. (The baby aisle not recommended as bowling vibrations tend to knock over baby food jars.)

2. A regulation turkey must be an entire bird, minus the head and feet, with a circumference of no more than 35 inches, and weight of no more than 20 pounds. Birds should be checked to make sure the neck and gizzards are intact as some bowlers cheat by removing them for better balance. A bowler is not allowed to make finger holes in the turkey because that is gross.

3. A regulation soda bottle must be made of plastic, 30 cm high, filled completely with no more and no less than 2 liters of a carbonated beverage. Clear soda is recommended so that if/when a bottle bursts the spill is harder to spot.

4. The soda bottles must arranged in a triangle formation with one bottle in the first row, two in the second, three in the third, and four in the fourth. Diamond, square, rhombus, or any other formations are illegal and will result in expulsion from the Greens & Grains.

5. Bowling in ordinary shoes is not permitted because the Greens & Grains makes a lot of money by renting bowling shoes even though they are unnecessary. Shoe Tip: Coating your feet in petroleum jelly will protect from shoe-borne diseases.

6. A bowled turkey that comes to rest in the middle of the aisle before striking or passing the soda bottles is considered to be "maimed" and counts as a 0-score roll. In league play, the bowler of a maimed bird is required to drop trough and run through the store yelling "I'm a ninny! I'm a ninny!"

7. A bowled turkey that bounces onto a shelf of grocery items and does not return to the linoleum is considered to be "stocked" and counts as a 0-score roll as well.

8. Any grocery items destroyed by a bowled turkey must be paid for in full by the bowler. Grocery Insurance is available for purchase at Customer Service. (This includes whoever has been sneaking pickles from the jars in aisle 2. You know who you are.)

9. Turkeys should not be eaten after bowling, and The Greens & Grains is not to be held liable for illness and/or death resulting from consuming bowled fowl.

10. Gambling on turkey bowling matches at the Greens & Grains is not only allowed but encouraged, as there is nothing more American than taking irresponsible risks with your money. And, like most banks, none of your investments are insured in any way.